God Knows
by chocoholicannanymous
Summary: When cornering Blaine about his odd behaviour, Kurt get as answer he didn't expect. Nor does he like it. Written based on the spoilers and speculations regarding the June Dollaway storyline back in s5. NOT for the klaint of heart. I don't write Blaine/klaine friendly fic.


Disclaimer: I don't own Glee, nor would I want to with the current writing.

AN: Remember when there was talk about Blaine going of to LA, because of June Dollaway? Yeah, blame that. Finally, yes, I know the song quoted isn't perfect – but those lines kind of are.

**God Knows**

There was something...off about Blaine. The way he behaved, the way he'd look at Kurt when he thought himself unnoticed, the way he kept stopping in the middle of sentences, only to change the subject... It made Kurt feel nauseous, and the stone in the pit of his stomach kept growing, day by day. _Please, don't have cheated again._ Kurt felt his heart lurch at the thought, and hasted to assure himself that **of course** Blaine wouldn't have cheated. There was no reason for him to do that, after all.

Kurt had been a good boyfriend this time around. Hadn't he? He worked constantly at being better, at keeping Blaine happy, doing whatever it took to make his fiancé feel good. Sex, food, keeping his body covered, staying away from Elliott and his classmates, sharing the spotlight during his NYADA performance... There could be no reason for Blaine to have cheated – because Kurt hadn't given him any. _Right?_

"Blaine? Are you... Is everything okay? You're acting a bit strange, and I'm getting worried" _about what you've done_ "about you."

He could see the hesitation in Blaine, the desire to keep quiet warring with the logic of speaking up now that he had an opening, and the bile rose in Kurt's throat again. _This is not good._

"I'm fine. I am, I promise. I'm great, even. I have some amazing news, and I've just been trying to come up with the perfect way of sharing them with you."

Kurt relaxed. Amazing news meant no cheating, right? And **that** in turn meant he could feel safe, that his relationship was safe, that everything would work out fine. Right?

"Remember June?"

Did Kurt remember June Dollaway? What kind of question was that? There was no way Kurt could forget her, as much as he wished he could. Shouldn't Blaine be perfectly aware of that? Shouldn't he know better than to bring her up, to rub the salt even further into Kurt's wounds? _Unless..._

"Yeah, I do. What about her? Did she change her mind about the showcase?" _Did she change her mind about me?_ He wanted to ask, but managed to keep it in. Even if Blaine's facial expression did suggest he might not have succeeded all that well.

"No. No, no, I'm still doing the showcase, don't worry." Aaaand that kind of answered Kurt's unspoken question as well, without Blaine even acknowledging it. "It's just, June's been looking at opportunities for me, to kick-start my career, and she's got this great plan. I'm really excited, and I think you'll be as well.

"I mean, I've always known I'll be successful, but I have to admit not even I thought it would happen this quickly. Who knows, with a little luck I might even snag an award before Rachel does."

Kurt smiled as Blaine laughed, but it felt strained. There was something about all of it that still didn't feel good, only he couldn't quite put his finger on what.

"So, what's the plan?"

"June has a friend with a recording studio, and a few contacts with song writers, and she wants to sponsor me for an album!"

Blaine was off, talking at high speed about being allowed to co-write songs, about ideas for music videos, and how maybe some of the Warblers would like to sing back-up, "like back in the old days", and on and on, and Kurt was doing his best to make supportive noises and ruthlessly push down his jealousy. He'd promised that Blaine and he was going to be a team, that success for one of them should be seen as success for the two of them together. So why did it hurt so much to have it happen for Blaine?

"...and I thought for sure I'd have to stay with Cooper or something, but June set me up with an apartment of my own in LA, and she's paying for it and everything!"

_Wait, what? LA? As in Los Angeles, as in on the other side of the country? When did **that** happen?_

"June wants you to go to LA for the summer? Wow, that's... That's huge. What about–"

"No. For real. All the best shots for someone like me is in LA, so that's where June wants me. I'd have to drop out of NYADA, of course, but that's not really that big of a loss. The school is not at all what I expected.

"Besides, when you get a chance like this, you just have to grab it and run with it. Just like Rachel's doing, you know? College is great and all that, but when you know what you want, and people are willing to give it to you, what's the point of wasting time and money?"

And wow, Blaine really wasn't holding back anymore. Kurt knew his fiancé was talking about himself, and wasn't trying to downplay Kurt's choices and chances, but it didn't feel that way. It felt painful, like an echo of everyone who'd told him he was never going to make it, that he was too gay and too girly – that he was all the things Blaine wasn't. It sucked.

Still. He loved Blaine, and wanted to be supportive and happy for him, even if he really was jealous, and hated the idea of his fiancé moving across the country.

_The plane tickets are going to kill my budget. But with June paying for Blaine's apartment, maybe he'll be able to pitch in more._ They'd make it though. They had to. Kurt hadn't worked this hard for the two of them to implode over this, regardless of how scared he was. He was just going to have to work harder at being there for Blaine this time. Plus, he did have the third year internship coming up – he should start looking for options in LA at once.

_And if the worst happens, I'll just have to forgive him again. I know I can do that now._

Kurt scrounged up a performer's smile, and pushed down all negativity.

"That's great for you. Congratulations." He moved in for a hug, but stopped at the disapproving pout on Blaine's face.

"Really? Because you don't **look** like you think it's great." _What? Do I look like you do when it's __**me**__ getting a break?_

"I do! I do, I promise, I just... I worry, okay? LA is so far away, and we" _**you**_ "don't exactly have the best track-record when it comes to long distance." _I don't trust you not to cheat again_, he thought, biting his lip to avoid saying the words out loud.

"I know. I thought about that, for a long time, and I don't think we should do that to ourselves again," Kurt relaxed, thinking that was it, "and that's why you're going to come with me. I really think you're going to love LA."

"What?"

He stared at his fiancé, not believing his ears. _Did he just...?_

"Did you just say you expect me to go with you to LA?"

"Yeah. I mean, June's not too happy about it, but she wants to keep **me** happy, and as long as we're discreet about our relationship it's fine."

"And what about **me**? What am I supposed to do, Blaine? It's too late to apply to school there, and I have no idea if there's any that would allow me to transfer my credits, plus there's **no** way my teachers – or Madame Tibideaux for that matter – will recommend me if I just leave now.

"Then there's my internship at . There's no way I can do that from LA, and the chances of me getting something similar there are minimal. That leaves me...doing what, exactly?"

Kurt stared at his fiancé, hoping that he would have a plan for Kurt as well, that he'd taken both their best into consideration. Because this couldn't be happening. Blaine couldn't be expecting him to just walk away and give up. He couldn't. **Kurt** couldn't.

"You'll find something. There are diners there too, or you could probably get a job as a receptionist or something. But that's not important right now – we'll figure it out when we get there. What's important is that we'll be together. We'll have to wait to get married of course, but that's okay, we'll get there. We're young, we have the time."

Kurt stared at Blaine, eyes narrowing as an ugly thought struck him.

"This is about your competition thing again, isn't it? This is huge for you, yeah, but moving to LA means more than you getting a big break. You would be in the spotlight, alone, while I would have to drop everything to go with you. I'd be pushed into the background again, relegated to being your cheerleader.

"And you would get to be on top. The winner. **That** is what's important, right?

"And sure, it'd be that way in the beginning, while I was trying to get my bearings. But then? You **have** to know I'd never settle for waiting tables and answering phones, not in the long run. I'd find a way to replace NYADA and , to keep working towards my dreams, and I would make it. That's who I am, Blaine. **That's what I do**. I decide what I want, and I go for it – and I work my ass for it to happen.

"And yes, I know, I'm not everyone's idea of what a star should be, but there are plenty out there who are willing to recognize my talent and my potential. Sooner or later someone will give me a chance, and I will **shine**. Then what?

"Are you going to want to move on again when that happens?"

Kurt breathed hard, feeling the adrenaline push through him. Oh. He was angrier than he'd thought, apparently, which, yeah. Not that strange after holding back so much for so long.

"Kurt, that's not fair."

"Not fair? There are a lot of things here that aren't fair, Blaine. You assuming that I'll drop everything and move across the country for you is at the top of the list actually. But that's not what you're referring to, right? So what is it? That I don't think you'd be happy for me if I were to succeed? That I'm beginning to think you'd have no problem sabotaging my chances if I were to end up being more successful than you for even a minute? And that's not what you're doing right now...how exactly?"

He wasn't really expecting an answer, Kurt realized. Not an honest one at least. Because Blaine wasn't the kind to admit to his faults, not without extreme pressure, and that wasn't new. Looking back Kurt could see that this, whatever this really was, had been building for a long time. In fact...

"Back when I suggested to transfer to McKinley because I knew you hated it when I win, I was joking. But it's not a joke to you, is it? You really do hate it when I win."

He stared at Blaine, noticing the color rising on the other boy's cheeks, and felt his heart sink even further.

"Is that why you're so willing to give up on NYADA? Because here people aren't just going to give things to you, aren't just going to automatically pick you over me, just because it's you. That's why you're so eager to take June up on her offer. Because she's not the least bit interested in me. Because she's letting you win."

It wasn't even a question, Kurt noticed. Because he knew. He'd known all along, he suspected, with how little surprise he really felt, only he'd refused to admit to any of it. Now he finally had though, and that meant no more pushing things down. So what was he going to do about it?

"Blaine. I think that if you want to go to LA and take your chances with June, you should. But I'm not going with you. New York is where I belong right now, and so is NYADA. This is where I need to be, to get where I want to go.

"But I don't want you to stay here. Not for me. Because whether you stay or go, you and I are over. I want a relationship where my partner and I are a team, not one where I feel as if it's constantly a battle of who comes out on top. I can't spend my life like that, Blaine, I can't.

"I want you to be happy, but I want **me** to be happy as well, and that's not going to happen this way. I need to move on." _Like I should have done a long time ago – like I almost managed to do before._

"I can't believe you! After everything I've done for you, after I gave up everything to follow you – twice! – and this is what I get in return? This is how you thank me? By breaking up with me?

"I'm the best thing that ever happened to you, Kurt. I'm the best thing that's **ever** going to happen to you. You think you're going to find someone else who's willing to cater to you, huh? You think those boys in class will want you for you? That **Elliott** will? They're only looking to get laid. And once they get that, they're going to throw you away like garbage!

"I'm the only one who's ever wanted you, Kurt. Me.

"No, you're not. And even if you were? That still wouldn't be a good reason to stay with you. I'm seeing that now. If this is love, Blaine, then I don't want it. I'd rather be alone – even if it's forever – than spend the rest of my life living like this. I'm done bending over backwards for you. I'm done stepping back so you can have the attention to yourself.

"I'm done.

"I'll pack up whatever I find of yours at the loft. Either I can give it to Mercedes to hand over, or Sam can come pick it up for you, but I don't want you to come around. In fact, I want your key back. Now."

Because, Kurt realized, he didn't trust Blaine to hold on to the key for even a day and not do something with it. He didn't trust Blaine to respect his wishes. He didn't trust Blaine, period. _And isn't __**that**__ telling?_

As Kurt walked out of Mercedes' apartment, and – hopefully – out of Blaine's life, all he felt was relief. No regret, no second guesses, nothing. Just relief, and freedom. Now, all he needed was the right song. With a smile Kurt pulled out his phone and his headphones, and looked through his music library. Maybe the girls would be willing to go to Callbacks that night, and if not, well. He could always go by himself. Because Kurt Hummel was done depending on others.

It was time to stand on his own, in the spotlight and out of it.

It was time to be free.

_I want to break free_

_I want to break free from your lies_

_You're so self-satisfied, I don't need you_

_I've got to break free_

_God knows, God knows I want to break free_

~The End ~


End file.
